Of Love and Letters
by broken-reverie
Summary: James and Lily's death left Remus heartbroken and alone. Desperate, Remus writes a letter to Sirius to give himself closure. [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]
1. Chapter 1

**Of Love and Letters**

James and Lily's death left Remus heartbroken and alone. Desperate, Remus writes a letter to Sirius to give himself closure. [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]

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Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I only dare lay claim on my imagination.

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_"The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend."  
― Heather Brewer  
_

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Dear Sirius,

I don't know what to say to you. I shouldn't even be writing this to you. I feel like I am betraying them by even writing this letter.

How can you, you of all people betray James and Lily? I never thought that you'd to be one to betray our friends. Never in my wildest dreams.

What was going through your mind, Sirius, when you told the dark side where James and Lily were living? I want to know, Sirius, I need to know. How could you do this to them, how could you do this to us?

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US?

What did they give you, what made you turn against us?

I want to believe that you didn't do it, that it wasn't you, but I don't have a choice, do I? James' dead, Lily's dead, Peter's dead and IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Now you're going to be sent to Azkaban without trial and it's also your own bloody fault. Why does this feel like you all left me and I am the one left that is being punished?

Why, Sirius, _why_?

Did you think of _us_?

Do you remember what we had? Us, the Marauders. Have you forgotten? A decade of friendship. A decade of friendship built on trust, forgiveness and pranks. How could you? Did we mean anything?

Do you remember what we had? _Us_, you and I, the wolf and the dog. Do you remember our first kiss, our awkwardness when we realised what we had? Do you remember our stolen times together? Laying atop of the Astronomy tower beside each other, our heartbeats synchronised, our hands clasped tight, we communicated soundlessly. There was no need for words because we both knew each other was thinking. Where had that time gone?

Do you remember when we had to sneak about our relationship because we thought Prongs and Wormtail were going to unfriend us if they found out? We avoided eye contact as far a possible because we knew, we knew in our hearts if we looked each other in the eyes for too long, we wouldn't have been able to resist snogging or do something as inappropriate.

Do you remember when we came out, it was us against the world? _Us_ \- one part half breed, one part deviant Black, whole part unconventional. It was us, _us_ against the world.

But now, now it is you against me. Somehow this doesn't add up; the equation is skewed, becoming undefined because you were my denominator, my rock. Now you're becoming zero and the equation doesn't work anymore. Now with Prongs, Lily and Wormtail gone, the equation will never be balanced, will it?

Perhaps you don't remember what we had, perhaps you don't remember anything, perhaps you don't care. But I am writing to you, I am writing to you to remind you of these things. This sounds silly - but its true - because I am still holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, I can get you back.

I don't know why I decided to write this letter. This in itself feels like a betrayal to James and Lily. But I had to write it - I had to get everything off of my chest. Maybe I am going crazy, and this is some last ditch effort to deny reality.

I know I can't do anything about what happened, can't do anything about what is going to happen. My heart wants to hold out hope, but my brain tells me I shouldn't. I write this letter, then what? Why create hope for myself just to crash down as hard as I had in the beginning?

I am so conflicted, Sirius. Somewhere inside of me, somehow, a little part of me screams. Screams at me to trust you Sirius. Trust what we had, trust you.

So, if this counts for anything - remember one time after the full moon we were in the hospital wing alone, and you were watching my blood seep through the bandages, tracing white ridges of past scars, and you gazed into my eyes. You told me I was perfect, that I didn't deserve any of this. I laughed, because it was ridiculous; I told you could I never be perfect because of my infliction, because I would lose my mind and tear myself apart every lunar cycle and leave behind these ugly marks.

You didn't break eye contact, you told me it wasn't my fault, that in your eyes, I would forever be perfect.

There was a silence, because I didn't know how to react, because that was the first time I received so much tenderness from someone. In that moment, I felt so loved, it made me feel scared. What would I do without you?

It was awhile before I said, "If you be the one the cut me, I would bleed forever. I can recover from the full moon, Sirius, but I can never heal from you hurting me."

You squeezed my hands and placed your delicate lips on mine. You told me you would never do that.

You promised, Sirius. I guess it doesn't matter to you anymore, does it? You went and cut away a part of me I never knew I needed.

I can't help myself, but I want to know, I need to know, do you still love me?

Given the circumstances, I shouldn't love you anymore, but I do. I can't help it, Sirius, I fucking love you. I am so confused, Sirius, because I blame you for James and Lily's death, I'm so angry with you, but I love you, so much. Love's blind, they said. Now I know that that's true.

This isn't how it was supposed to end, Sirius.

Desperately,

Your Moony

PS: I don't even know if you would receive this, but like every question I posed in this letter, I can only hope.

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed my story :) Also, I would like to know if you people would be interested to see Sirius' reply to this letter. As of now, this is a one-shot. I have plans to continue with Sirius' reply but I am not sure. What do you think? Please leave me a review to tell me. Please take in mind - constructive criticisms are welcomed but flames are not.

OH YEAH I included a math pun (when a zero is a denominator it's undefined) AHAH I'm sorry I couldn't help myself.

This is a one-shot written for the Pairing Diversity Boot Camp Challenge. Prompt used: (30) "If you be the one to cut me, I will bleed forever." Romantic Paring: Wolfstar; Remus x Sirius


	2. Chapter 2

James and Lily's death left Remus heartbroken and alone. Desperate, Remus writes a letter to Sirius to give himself closure. [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]

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Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I only dare lay claim on my imagination.

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**This one is for in-dreams-maybe; thank you for the lovely birthday dedication. :)**

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Dear Remus,

I don't know what to say to you. I know how this looks - all the evidence, the circumstances. But please, believe me when I say it wasn't me.

Perhaps you don't trust me anymore, perhaps you are wary - you should be.

I don't know if this will help, I don't know if this letter will even get to you, but I'm going to tell you what happened, Moony, whether you believe me or not.

James changed their secret keeper to Peter, Remus. I wasn't their secret keeper. I'm sorry. I know I should've told you before - why I haven't are grounds of suspicion for you. James was confused, Moony, he was led to think that there was a betrayer among us. Inadvertently, he thought it was you, because of your furry little problem. I did try to speak up for you, Moony, but James was adamant, he insisted that we change the secret keeper without your knowledge. Don't blame James, Moony, you can't fault him for being so cautious.

I know this sounds suspicious, Remus, me pushing the blame onto Peter - but it's the truth.

I don't know if you'll trust me, but take heart when I say I love you, Remus. I still fucking love you.

I care, Moony, and I remember. I remember the times we had together. My favourite were those mornings in the hospital wing, where I would sit quietly watching over you. You always looked so peaceful, Remus, worlds apart from the monster you'd just managed to escape. I remember the sparkle in your eyes when you first awake, changing colours from the murky yellow of the night before to a light, soft yellow with a tinge of grey. Your mouth twists into a smile, no matter how much pain you were in. "Sirius." You would say, and I would just smile.

I remember, Remus, when we first found out about what we had, that we had to snoop around to keep our secret. I remember that when James had almost caught on to what was happening, you denied by throwing a string of insults about me, rambling on and on in your own adorable way about how I was a "blithering, untidy idiot that has no self-control", before stalking away in an unusually rapid pace.

I remember, Remus, the stolen times we had together. I remember you coming over to my bed, and me going over to yours some nights - we never did anything indecent. We knew we didn't need to do anything to prove ourselves to each other, at least not yet, not until we were older. We would just sit there, Remus. We would just sit there and talk about our days, and sometimes we didn't talk at all. Our hands would always be clasped tight, comforted in the knowledge that we had each other. Words didn't have an effect on us at all - we didn't need words. What we had was more than that, more than everything and anything that was tangible or intangible, nothing could express what we had better than the calm and peacefulness we enjoyed together.

Most importantly, Remus, I remember you. Your yellow eyes the warm colour of sunlight - "wolf eyes", you'd said, but I'd never seen wolf eyes as beautiful as yours. The small peak of your nose, your strong, angular jaw. Your sandy-coloured hair that, though nowhere near as messy as James', had a wild style of its own on some days. Your skinny, scrawny, limbs that never fail to give out hugs and comfort. Your scars, a map, a constellation of stars drawn out on your body. You hate them - I know, but I love them as much as I love you, Remus.

I remember, Remus, and I miss it. I miss us. Words were too little for us then, but now - it's all that we have. It's funny really, how much difficulty I am having trying to express what I want to say with just words, Moony, because you deserve more than just words.

I don't know how else to put it, Remus. You know I'm no good with words. And, as I've said, words are not enough to express what we have for each other.

I hope you still trust me, Remus, because I know no one else does, not anymore.

I contemplated a long time before writing this letter, Remus, because it would just be so much easier for you if you hated me, and I went to Azkaban. But I think you deserve the truth. I love you, I really do.

There's no point escaping reality Remus, I'm going to Azkaban, guilty or not. There will be no trial, no investigation, no chance for me to ever see you again - and it breaks my heart. You were the person that taught me how to love, how to find meaning in a life so dull and dark. Thank you, Remus. Thank you for being in my life, thank you for being you, thank you for letting me love you.

Although I can't believe myself saying this, but please, forget me. It would pain me to know that you still hold on to me, to someone in Azkaban. Go find a better partner, Remus, let him love you better than I have, provide you with the comfort that I can never provide again.

Azkaban is just a prolonged death sentence, Remus. There's no point holding on to me. I will die loving you, Moony, but I would die peacefully with the knowledge that you find someone better to continue your life with.

I am ripping my own heart out by saying this, but you deserve so much more. So much more than what I had to offer.

It pains me so much, Moony, to know that you're grieving alone, for the lost of all your friends. I want to go there and hug you, help you slowly put the broken pieces back, but I'm afraid that's not possible.

It wasn't supposed for it to end this way, Moony, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Moony, thank you, and I love you. Please remember that.

Love,

From your Sirius

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**A/N:** wow, I actually didn't plan for this letter to turn out this way, but I'm glad it did. I'm thinking of continuing this exchange of letters, what do y'all think? Again, leave me a review if you would like see this continue :)

Hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Of Love and Letters**

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James and Lily's death left Remus heartbroken and alone. Desperate, Remus writes a letter to Sirius to give himself closure. [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]

Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I only dare lay claim on my imagination.

BETA'd by the wonderful in-dreams-maybe.

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_Hold fast to dreams,_

_For if dreams die_

_Life is a broken-winged bird,_

_That cannot fly._

_― Langston Hughes_

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Dear Sirius,

James and Lily's funeral was held yesterday.

It was a simple, quick one. Only a few of us turned up - there's not many of us left; the Order, friends we know to be loyal.

All through the service, all I could think of was the times we had together, us four as Marauders. The times we spent plotting pranks, our pseudo-study sessions and our general craziness. I remember how we used to pass notes around in class. I remember how we would always occupy the table nearest to the fireplace in the common room. I remember the order in which we used the bathroom in the mornings. These are times that will stay in my memory forever.

Them leaving left an aching gap in me, it's a terrible feeling to know that now, I can't just appear on their doorstep asking for companionship, I can't have lengthy conversations with Lily. They're gone. It's difficult to process that just last week, they were alive and well, but now, they exist only in our hearts and memories.

I know it must be really difficult for you to miss out on their funeral. I don't know what I can do to help, because nothing can ease the pain of James' death. I bought an extra flower in your name to put on their graves for you, that much I could do.

Peter that bastard. I never knew he had that in him to betray us like that. I am so angry at him; I don't know what else to say. I want to say, "I should've known, I should've seen through him", but really, should I have had?

I know you're probably much angrier at him than I am, and rightly so, too. We'll make sure justice is served, no matter how.

I miss them so much, Sirius. I miss them, but - I know it's a terrible thing for me to say - I don't miss them as much as I miss you.

If what you say is true, I will get you out. I don't know how, but I will. Please wait for me.

I don't know if you'll still have to chance to reply my letter, or even get this letter, but Sirius Orion Balck: I am not giving up on you. I will not find a new partner just because you tell me to. I will wait, especially so because now I know you're not guilty.

I will wait, because I trust you.

I will wait, because I know I'll never find somebody like you. Somebody who'll love me for who I am, love both Remus and the wolf. Somebody who can run around with me during full moons, somebody that the wolf actually likes.

You're the perfect one, Sirius. There's no "better" person - not for me anyway. I know I sound terribly contradictory to my previous letter, but now I know the full truth, and my head is a little clearer.

Honestly, Sirius, I would still have loved you even if you said you were guilty. Love's blind, Sirius, it is indeed.

Apart from all of that, Sirius, I know you can't let go of me too. You never were the sacrificial type, and now's not the time for you to be. Don't tell me to give up on you to find a better partner, because you don't get to be selfless - that's my job.

I'm going to do everything to acquit you. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. Have faith, Sirius. We have too many empty promises, left hanging by grief and war. We have too many unfulfilled plans, thwarted by reality. We have had too little time together, we still have time till we expire - if we ever will, that is. We can't give up, not now.

I know you'll be upset as you always are when you don't get your way. But Sirius, you don't always get what you want. Even if you tell me you don't love me anymore, I won't believe you, because I know it's not true.

It's terribly stupid to trust in something as fickle as love in times of war, but I'm asking you to do this not only for me, but also for yourself. For us.

Us - us against the world. It was us against the world then, it is us against the world now. Don't give up hope on us, Sirius. I know you remember our times together, you told me yourself in your last letter. Please, hold them in your heart - take heart, have faith.

I know it's a difficult thing to ask for - hope - when everything is dire and grey. But for your sake, my sake, our sakes - please, don't lose hope.

I'm aware that I'm rambling, but there's no one else for me to talk to, Sirius. You're the only one left who'll understand.

Don't lose out hope, Sirius.

Love,

Your Remus

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**A/N**: Hope y'all liked this chapter :)

Leave me a review, tell me what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

**Of Love and Letters**

James and Lily's death left Remus heartbroken and alone. Desperate, Remus writes a letter to Sirius to give himself closure. [Wolfstar; Sirius x Remus]

Disclaimer: The wonderful world of Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Bros. I only dare lay claim on my imagination.

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Dear Sirius -

I don't know whether is it that you don't receive my letters, or that it is you can't reply them. Either way, I'm not receiving anything from you.

I'd laugh if our letters were being intercepted by some of Voldermort's minions. Imagine them reading all kinds of mushy stuff I write to you. Oh. Well. I would love to see their reactions. Maybe not.

Love,

Moony

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Dear Sirius,

Things are not good outside. Not for the order, not for me. Not for me, especially. Voldermort's taken over the ministry completely and they're drafting creatures into the war. You get what I mean.

I hope you are doing okay inside.

Love,

Remus

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Dear Sirius,

It's odd, having to write and not receiving any replies. I don't blame you - of course I don't, but it's seriously unsettling to do so.

I feel like I'm holding a conversation with myself - I probably am comforting myself through this period while I try to reach out to you. They say people who talk to themselves are crazy. Maybe this is a sign that I am. Thing is, I can't stop myself from writing. I feel like I have the responsibility to reach out to you, to at least provide a bit a comfort in there. I feel like if I stop writing to you, I might really go crazy. It's funny, you know, for in your last letter you said words weren't enough for us, but now it's all we have.

Words. When used correctly they can morph to mean beautiful things, convey meaningful messages, but I can't seem to use them properly. They are simply not enough for what I want to express.

I am frustrated, Sirius, because I can't be there with you, because I can't seem to be able to say the right things the right way, and because I feel like I've failed you in a certain way.

I feel like I shouldn't have doubted you in the first place, should've instead hid you somewhere until things where cleared up. I felt like I should have done something -anything- to keep you out from that place. I tried, Sirius, but it was too late. I am still trying, Sirius, but it will take time. I'm sorry I didn't have the capabilities to help you, Sirius, sorry that I didn't have enough faith to trust you - but all the evidence was against you, can you blame me?

Forgive me?

Love,

Remus

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Dear Sirius,

I miss you.

Love,

Remus

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Dear Sirius,

Last night's moon was horrible. It's the seventh moon I've had without you but it's still terrible.

I think the wolf is sadder than me, more emotional, anyway. It missed you, too.

The wolf hasn't gotten used to your absence, and I think I haven't, too. You know, sometimes I wake up in the morning and wonder why you aren't banging around in the kitchen for food. Sometimes I spot something that I think you'll like and I jot down a mental note - but you aren't there when I get home.

It's difficult, this "getting used to" thing. Every morning, every night, I forget that you're not here. It hurts so much, Sirius. It's like the wound on my chest tears open over and over again, day after day.

I long to see you so much, to just see your hard, angular jaw, your stormy grey eyes, your boyish face. I would do anything to be able to hug you, kiss you, just one more time. I want to look into your eyes and say that I love you.

I hasn't been very long, Sirius, but I miss you so damn much. I don't think can ever get used to it.

Love,

Remus

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Dear Sirius,

You're the one in there with the dementors, but I feel as if I can never be happy again.

Love, Remus

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Dear Sirius,

Happy birthday. It's your 24th birthday, if you've forgotten. I can't comment on how time has passed so quickly - as how others usually do on birthdays - because it has not. Unfortunate circumstances has led us to this point, Sirius, but I am grateful. I am grateful that you are still here in my life, I am grateful that we are both still here. I am grateful that we got the chance to know each other, love each other. Take heart that we at least had time together.

You know, I still remember that during your 14th birthday, you insisted that you could finish the whole birthday cake by yourself, so we let you. After that, you got so sick you were almost sent home. And on your 15th birthday, James and I pretended we forgot about it and you got so mad until we surprised you with your birthday party. I miss those times, Sirius, when things were so trivial they didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, when we didn't have to worry for our lives, when we didn't know death and pain and agony.

I know its no use reminiscing the past, but it's all we've got now. We need to hold on the past so we have strength for the future.

There's no turning back time - not without consequences, anyway - we can only look forward. Forward may be bleak and tough, but forward is the only way to go.

I'm sorry if this birthday greeting - if you could call it such - sounds so melancholic, I don't know how to do cheerful anymore, and I didn't want to be insincere.

Love,

Remus

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Dear Sirius,

I know I said I could never get used to you not being here - it's true. It hasn't been easier, but it has been a little bit more acceptable. Somehow I feel guilty for that - for feeling a bit better about general things. I feel like I shouldn't, because you shouldn't be the only one suffering in there.

I know it's a bit ironic that I'm the one doing the complaining while you're the one being unjustly locked up - but circumstances decided we can't have it any other way.

I really, really hope you're doing okay inside.

Love,

Remus.

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Dear Sirius,

I'm going into hiding - I may not write to you that often anymore, if you still can see this.

So don't worry.

Love,

Remus

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**A/N: Sit tight, because great things are coming up!**

**Please make my day and leave a review? Reviews make me happy, and gives me motivation to write faster. *hints***

**PS: I'm looking for someone who's interested in beta-ing my (posted one shots). PM me if interested! **


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